Hard

 So hard....

Well, so far my little calendar habit tracker has NOT been colored in for no spending this month.  

I think it may be impossible for me to refrain from spending.   EVER.  

January 1:  Last day to purchase graduation cap and gown is coming up!  Okay, start tomorrow

January 2:   Please oh please take me to Dave and Busters?

January 3:  There's nothing for breakfast!   I need to eat breakfast!

January 4:  Crap!  It's hot cocoa day at school tomorrow!

January 5:  Forgot the damn marshmallows *&^%&&

And so it goes.  

Teaching is expensive.  Kids are expensive.  Dogs are expensive.   Food is expensive.  

And, I might have just said f*-k it and changed everything out in my kitchen to a more appealing color.  

I swore as I was praying last night that I would start today and then I forgot I had to pay for my rodeo tickets.   It's Houston.   Everyone goes to the rodeo.   

Apollo now has this need to eat and chase a bone at 2 am so while I was hobbling outside on my broken foot I got to thinking.....trying to find my higher self amongst this need to surround myself with everything material....Yes, I do think a lot of stems from COVID and that feeling of lack at that time.  Not even just to lack of STUFF but the lack of human contact.    My kids slept all day and did school work at night.  I tried, but couldn't convince my body not to fall asleep before midnight.  Oh, to be so young again.  Apollo wasn't even born yet so it was just me and my knitting needles and the cars that drove by all.  day.   long.  

Then I decided to start selling things on Ebay for something else to do and holy moly!  Lilly Pulitzer dresses for twenty bucks?  My kindergarten lunch box?   Roller skates?  At least I could see the mailman through the glass door.  The joy of a new package each day was keeping me looking forward to something because there wasn't anything new coming my way anywhere else.  

We no longer live in that world.  It seems weird to go back and think that we actually did that.   It all seems so normal now.   Was it a dream?   If I am getting my people and places fix, why do I still want stuff?  Stuff I have to clean and put away and look at WHICH makes me feel guilty for pushing that little online button.  

I have some theories.   I'll share them soon.   Right now I need to drag my lame foot out to the garage and start listing some of this mess back on Ebay.